Ethical dilemmas of a hairy man

By Richard Lufrano

One of the things I love most about Judaism is Tzedakah. For Jewish people living in Atlanta, there are a number of worthy charities to chose from. There’s Jewish People for the Ethical Treatment of Bill Bradley (JPETBB), Jewish People Against Waiting In Long Lines (JPAWILL) and Jewish People For Yasir Arafat Removing His Hat. (JPFYARHH) Please don’t get the wrong idea. I am not indifferent to human suffering. Growing up in a Chicago housing project, my mother used to tell me, "Don’t pass judgement on anyone until you’ve eaten his U.N. rations." I took this to heart. That’s why I want to let you know about another cause worthy of your tax write-offs. My hairy back.

A few months ago, I realized I have a hairy back. It’s not that hairy. It’s not Magilla Gorilla wipe-your-feet-on-that-before-you come-in hairy. But it’s getting there. There’s two patches of putting green-like plots growing in on both sides of my lower back and a tuft, similar to what you’d grab on a horse if you lost the reins, burgeoning at my neck’s base.

It wouldn’t be so bad if no one noticed. But I got really freaked out the other day when I was kissing a girl. During this kiss, the girl did that thing women do in the movies when they put one hand behind your neck and rub the back of your head. Only when she did it, her hand not only stroked the hair on the back of my head, it kept moving down, like a child on a playground slide. Before I knew it, her hand was half-way down my back. Scaarree.

First thing I did was call a rabbi to find out if it was OK for a Jewish man to shave his back. Surprisingly, few rabbis returned my call. One did. His name is Yossi Lerman and he works at Beth Tefillah. Yossi (whose name is really fun to say out loud) took my question very seriously.

"Rabbi, should a Jewish man shave the hair off his back?" I asked.

"Call me back in ten minutes," Yossi said.

Ten minutes later Yossi was quoting scripture. But before I go any further, let’s be clear about one thing. Yossi Lerman is not, under any circumstances, claiming to be an expert on Jewish men with hairy backs. He is only providing information that may help point a Jewish man with a hairy back in the right direction.

"Deuteronomy 22:5 says male garb shall not be worn on a woman and males shall not wear female garb. For anyone who does is an abomination."

"But I’m not talking about garb, I’m talking about hairy backs," I said, thinking Yossi was losing it.

"Yes," Yossi said. "But the sages apply this prohibition to any man who uses personal grooming and cosmetic improvements that are normally used by a woman. For example, if a man shaves his arm pits or his pubic hairs (Yossi said pubic hairs on the record) that would be an abomination."

"So what should I do?"

"There’s a difference between shaving your back because it is physically uncomfortable or shaving it solely as a cosmetic improvement. I would suggest trimming it with a scissors. But like I said, I’m not an expert."

With Yossi’s semi-endorsement, I went to Google.com and typed in "Atlanta Back Hair Removal." Google.com, in addition to being the quickest way to find naked pictures of individual Back Street Boys, locates sites that are most relevant to your search.

The first site I visited was Nads.com. Nads, for anyone who doesn’t watch "Change of Heart" reruns on UPN, is an Australian company founded by Sue Ismiel. A few years ago, Sue was a typical Australian housewife with a daughter that looked like a Shetland pony. Natalie, Sue’s six-year-old-daughter, wanted to be a model. Sue, who had seen models in magazines, knew that in order to be a model you had to be tall, thin and not have hair on your arms and legs that other kids could swing from. Sensing that an infomercial was within her reach, Ismiel went into her kitchen, mixed some sugar and spices and created Nads, a water soluble gel that grotesque, hairy users smooth on affected areas and remove hours later with pliers. If you don’t think it works, check out Natalie’s picture at www.nads.com. She’s a hottie. The only problem with Nads is I don’t own a pliers and I don’t want to wait the two weeks it would take to get here.

Seeking instant gratification, I went to Buckhead Aesthetics. Buckhead Aesthetics is a family business located at 277 East Paces Ferry Road. After filling out a couple of forms that asked questions like "If your back was a mountain, would a rock climber need ropes to get to the top," Lynne Schneider, the woman who runs the joint, took me into the back room to perform a few tests.

"So," I said, "do many Jewish guys come here to get the hair off their backs?"

"Mostly Irish," she said. "Some Italians. Not so many Jews."

Lynne is very smart. First thing she did was perform a skin test to see if I had hyper pigment. To do this, Lynne took the nozzle of a really expensive looking machine, better known as The Epilight, and zapped a small section of hair on my back. Next, Lynne said to wait 24 hours to see if I developed any blisters, dark brown skin patches or cancerous, puss-filled lesions that kept me awake at night. If there weren’t any, and there never are, I would be ready to start treatment.

Here’s the problem. Treatment costs money. Lots of money. Cost is directly proportional to roughage density. An AmazonMan can expect to pay $1000 per visit. Someone like me, in pre-back pubescence, can expect to shell out somewhere between $300 to $400 per visit. Insurance won’t cover this procedure because Hillary Clinton wanted it for Chelsea. So here’s where I’m at. The Jewish Times is paying me $100 to write this story. That leaves me, depending upon next week’s growth, somewhere between $250 and $350 short for my first session. Lynne said most people need six or seven sessions before all the hair is completely removed. That means I need roughly $2,450. The Jewish Times has agreed to set up a fund. Please makes checks payable to Buckhead Aesthetics in care of my hairy back. Together, we can beat this thing.